There is no other way sometimes -
I’m feeling empty today. It took realizing I was constantly eating to recognize this is what is going on. Trying to fill an unfillable whole. Emptiness and I are no strangers to each other it has just been quite some time since we’ve seen each other.
It’s worrisome because the emptiness is the hinge which swings to door to depression wide open and I have been so well for so long. I’ve been vigilant in my self care and making sure I eat and sleep well plus exercise everyday. I even make sure to spend my meal break at my second job outside of the mall because fresh air and sunlight are essential to my mental health. perhaps the second job is catching up with me? Maybe it’s also that this time of year - the chill and lack of sunlight are also taking their toll as they always do.
I’m scared how familiar the emptiness feels - how comfortable it appears. This pit in which there is no worry or fear - no concern for tomorrow….not caring seems so much easier than the struggle. It would be so easy to find a corner and just curl up inside of it and wait. For nothing.
But there is also no light. Nor joy down there. I stand on the edge of this cliff feeling the invisible hands of emptiness taking hold. Looking over my shoulder and I can see my joy- I can /almost/ feel it- and I realize I still want to feel it. Wanting means my dark passenger has not fully taken it’s grasp. Wanting can turn into hope. And that is what will save me.
14 hours over the past two days of manning the French Fry station has left my hands too sore to knit! This is a very sad state of affairs :/
I’ve been so busy the last few weeks. I picked up a second job to stay ahead of finances. People say babies are expensive? Try have two kiddos at university and one in high school! Teenagers are SO MUCH MORE expensive than babies - plus they are weirdly more needy too! But i love them. So I’m working 60+ hours and 7 days a week. My feet hurt. i miss my family. But our bills are getting paid! so Yay!
My second job is at the mall and holy hell! the people that were out shopping today. What I didn’t know was the mall opened at 8pm the night before - ON THANKSGIVING?!? I just don’t understand.
I’m happy to be home and snuggled in bed. Time to make a cup of tea and stick my nose in a book.
Please be kind to others. Especially people working through these holidays.